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All Puns Intended
From Jim Herda
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
16. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Zen Teachings From Art Bejma 2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass gas.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.
13. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Drinking Fast A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents." hUMOr
My Message For Holiday Safety From Jim Herda Out before the holidays? Be safe always.
Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that23%of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining77%are caused by the@ssholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and sh*t like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who is a drinker and worries about your safety.
Golf
From Dan Glazier
Golf balls are like eggs ~ they're white. They're sold by the dozen .... and a week later you have to buy more.
* A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anythng in there. * It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. * When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard or go to church? * Golf is by far the ultimate love /hate relationship. Sometimes it seems as though your cup runneth and moveth over. * It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery. * A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game. * Water hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles, frogs or gators either. * Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. * A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you. * That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work. * If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life. * You probably wouldn't look good in a Green Jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine! * Golf appeals to the child in all of us. .. This is proven by our frequent inability to count past the number 5. * It's a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if you're not choosy about which fairway. * If profanity had any influence on the flight of a ball, most everyone would play better. * The greatest sound in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it across the fairway. * A recent survey shows that of all jobs, caddies live the longest. They get plenty of fresh air and exercise, and if there's ever a medical emergency, a doctor is always nearby.
JOKE OF THE WEEK OR THE DAY, WHO KNOWS? IT'S WHEN I GET A ROUND TUIT.
Letter in Praise of Tide Laundry Detergent
From Joyce Toporowski Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.
Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Windows vs. Ford
From Barbara Labadie
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. I love the next one!!! 7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?"before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!
Grandpa Gets Audited by the IRS
From Jim Herda The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!! Extra Volume and Body From Barbara Labadie I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner! It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and (duh) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: "For Extra Volume and Body" No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Its label reads: "Dissolves Fat That Is Otherwise Difficult to Remove" Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone . . . I'll be in the shower! Her Day in Court From Darlene Blease While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.... there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flippd me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" "Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap! Complete darkness, the power was off! Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back." Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging a polite "Hi, how's it going?" type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway." "OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...." The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed."
Lecture From Jim Herda Would you believe that I was stopped by the police around 1 a. m. this morning, and was asked where I was going at this time of night? I replied "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asked, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" My reply was "That would be my wife." Phone Service College roomates were lamenting the cost of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI and Sprint. "I've found CIC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one. "CIC, Who are they?" "You know, Call Them Collect." Homework Help "Dad, will you help me with my homework?" "I'm sorry," replied the father, "It wouldn't be right." "Well," said the boy, "at least you could try." Aphorisms for Your Edification From Dan & Sally Grannis 1. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 2. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks? 3. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job. 4. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car. 5. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity. 6. There are worse things than getting a call for the wrong number at 4 am - it could be the right number
Psychiatrist & The Proctologist From Jim Herda Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of the different specialties, they would open a practice together. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading:"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable. Again they changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" Thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds" Still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" Unacceptable again! So, they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks" Still no good. "Loons and Moons" Forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends" Everyone loved it! This Ad Was Posted to Craig's List Personals To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last at 1:43 A M I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol after you took my Jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 A CP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head wasn't it? I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas station on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex My Kind of Humor From Art Bejma A lexophile is a person who loves words and word plays. I do, do you? * A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. * A will is a dead giveaway. * With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. * Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. * The batteries were given out free of charge. * You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it. * Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. * He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key. * Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. * If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. * When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall * The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. * He had a photographic memory which was never developed. * Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. * When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. * Acupuncture: a jab well done
Did Noah Fish? From Cliff Samuels A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark? ''No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he with just two worms?'
STOCK MARKET REPORT
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Sun peaked at midday. Balloon prices were inflated. Scott Tissue touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. The passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog.
The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get along little doggie."
SEVEN DEGREES OF BLONDE FIRST DEGREE A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment, and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.' SECOND DEGREE OF BLONDE Two blondes are walking down the street . One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!' FOURTH DEGREE OF BLONDE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me.. I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy. Its W.' FIFTH DEGREE OF BLONDE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?' SIXTH DEGREE OF BLONDE Bambi , a blonde in her fourth year as a USC Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .' SEVENTH DEGREE OF BLONDE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND COP!'
__________________________________________ A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ___________________________________________ An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh From Dan Glazier * His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh * The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh * The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop N Gogh * The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh * His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh * His Mexican cousin - A Mee Gogh * The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Gring Gogh * The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh * The constipated uncle - Can't Gogh * The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh * The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh * The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh * An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to-Gogh * The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh * A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh * And his niece who travels the country in an RV - Winnie Bay Gogh There ya Gogh...!
